Just when things start looking up...

Blam! There they go, all to h--- again.

On my last post I congratulated the return of warm weather and bragged about how well I felt. That was on a Monday. The very next day, I took my husband to the hospital where he died eight days later. Lung cancer, of all things, had invaded his body with no symptoms except a hurting right shoulder, which he thought was arthritis. He had been in pain a couple months, refusing to see a doctor. When he did, it was an orthopedic doctor. This doctor treated him for arthritis, looking no farther for the cause of his pain. Of course not. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. (I've heard that story for years and I finally know what it means, for real.) To sum it up, the cancer was a fast-moving kind and takes no prisoners. I was grateful that my life partner didn't have to suffer long. If that sounds strange, you haven't watched others waste away while your heart cried.

Things moved so fast I couldn't keep up. When the end for him came, I couldn't move, couldn't cry, could only be "busy" -- take care of things like funeral arrangements and such. I wondered if I was unnatural. After all, we had been married almost 51 yers and had been together almost 3 before that. It wasn't a wonderful marriage; we didn't hold hands and kiss each other hello and goodbye. But there was a trust, a knowing that the other would be there when needed, would take care of whatever came along. Neither would consciously destroy the other. We had grown old together. Now one of us has left the other, totally unintentionally but left nonetheless. It's a shock.

That was just over 8 weeks ago and life is finally coming back around. Now I'm alone and it's not exactly a thrill. I always knew I'd be okay, and I am. But I miss the little things, like someone to hang a curtain rod, mow the grass (a neighbor is doing it), clean out the utility room, bellow for me from another room...

I've started a campaign to improve the house. It's old, as am I, and it needs some cosmetic attention. It's sturdy but it isn't as pretty as it could be. A painter is coming this week to take down some old wallpaper and paint the walls, then put down a new kitchen/dining room floor. From there will be some new curtains and I'm not sure what else yet. If I'm going continue to live here, I want to have some improvements. Besides, when my time comes, my kids will need to sell the place and it will go easier when it looks better.

When I was young I used to say I was nice to little old ladies because someday I hope to be one. Now I'm finding out exactly what that means, too.